I am having the slowest of slow Sundays, almost semi-hibernating physically, while my brain seems to be entertaining itself elsewhere. As per usual, the creative matters dominate, which at this point is probably not surprising to anyone. It dwells for a while on the building projects that have been lurking at the back of my brain for years, making plans for building the most amazing things out of cardboard, papier maché, glue guns and what not (for which I by now have a stock of cardboard boxes, egg cartons and what not large enough to build a whole village, or possibly a life size house, but more on that in a separate blog down the line). I have created a work space for it as well, all I need now is a tear in the time-space continuum, just large enough for me to be able to have the time I need for those projects.
After having mentally designed and built an old American style house with a ginourmous front porch (with a swing, which is a very important thing to have on a porch like that), my brain starts wandering off to clothes design, and enjoys several moments of remembering outfits and costumes from every decade of the 19th and 20th century, while spontaniously giving birth to the thought of doing a sewing project where I will make an outfit from each decade of the 20th century, typical of that time period. I would love to do that! I just need to get more people to buy my yarns, so that I can afford the cost of such a project…
This is the typical ways of my brain. Idea after idea, in a never ending river of awesome things I would love to do. I have never understood the question ‘Where do you get your inspiration?’, because it is always there. Constantly. I can only remember once in my life when I was bored and didn’t know what to do, and it lasted about 15 minutes. No joke. And later that night I went ahead and gave birth to my first child. That was 24 years ago. I haven’t been bored since.
Having a brain that works that way is equally awesome and exhausting. I suppose I won’t have to explain why it is awesome, but the reason it is exhausting is probably not what you think it is. It is exhausting because if you try to live a “regular” life with a regular daytime job that is not creative, and doing all the every day things that “normal” people expect you to, there will never be enough time to dive into the rabbit holes of these amazing, marvellous ideas that I have, and that I think could render a lot of other people joy as well, if shared. I need more than that. I need to do these things for a living, because doing the majority of my living without them almost led me into depression. It was the wrong path for me to go, regardless of how much money I made while employed. Which was quite a lot, to be honest, but it never rendered any kind of happiness or feeling of freedom. None what so ever.
I think that somehow it was necessary for me to get out of the rat race like I did last year, even from a creative perspective. I was slowly dying inside from trying to do “the right thing” as in “this is what is expected of a woman in her mid-40ies, especially one that took such a financial beating after her divorce”. I had crashed into that wall we all know and fear the year before, I was trying to get back on my feet and get my bearings again, I had a few not-so-pleasant surprises along the way, and ended up walking out on employments that were destructive on both a professional and personal level. I ended up having to go full time immediately with my side-business, that I had planned on slowly building over the course of at least a year, before I would say goodbye to a permanent paycheck and once again step out into the world as a solo entreprenour. I missed it so much, and if there is such a thing as being born for something, mine would be – aside from my creative abilities – to be an entreprenour. Having been an entreprenour the majority of my life I am already well aware of what that entails, and I have never been more happy than during those years. However, I did not really plan on becoming a solo entreprenour again quite as abruptly as I did.
The whole of last year, and a large part of the year before that also, was a huge crossroads for me. And now, here I am, at the beginning of 2019, trying to get my business up and running for real, so that I can actually live from it (seeing as it is my sole source of income since a couple of months back, that is sort of an important matter right now…). So I am indulging myself with ideas and projects, while building the life of my dreams. I am following my gut, allowing my passions to flourish, creating room for the ME that hasn’t quite been able to be just yet, while trying to inspire others to follow their own passions.
Just before the ending of 2018, my friend Anna gave me a tip about ‘The Desire Map’ by Danielle LaPorte, whom speaks a lot about this very thing, about focusing on what you want to FEEL rather than what you want to HAVE in your future. I ended up buying both ‘The Fire Starter Sessions’ and ‘The Desire Map’ books, and even if she speaks of pretty much the same type of mentality I have found to be the most important and most giving trough the majority of my life, I still find it immensely valuable to read about these things in her words. It is like having a friend that is on the same page as you, and knows exactly the right things to say. Especially in the moments where things are weighing me down and I don’t know if I’ll be able to make rent and pay the bills. I read a chapter or two, find my bearings again, and my faith that all will end well. Business will pick up more and more, I’m sure, and I will find myself being able to spread inspiration to many. Through the yarns that I dye, the things I design, classes I give, books that I write, and through being that person whom is just so far out of the ordinary to be fun and inspiring, but still charmingly nutty enough to make others feel that their own nuttyness is absolutely within the frame of what’s acceptable to their grandmother, albeit their mother and/or father might question their life choices still. That is who I want to be. For me, for you, for everyone. I would love to inspire and challenge, and I would love to – no, I WILL make this a viable, long term business for myself. This is my lifetime thing, what I intend to spend my passion, capacity and know-how for until my final breath. Even if I still feel like I haven’t quite left the crossroad behind me. It is okay. I have already chosen my path, and soon enough I will be far enough down the road for the crossroads to be nothing more than a memory. And I would love to have you along for the ride.
All the best,
/AniLove, on the quest for a passionate, creative life, just profitable enough to render both rent money and happiness.
PS. The YouTube channel has had an update today as well: